How to Avoid Disney Costumes this Halloween

Disney owns Halloween.

Think about it: They hold the rights to Star Wars, the Marvel Universe, Mickey Mouse and all things princess and Pixar. That's easily half the children's costumes you'll see this year.

In fact, Disney should really just go door-to-door Gestapo-style and tell parents to hand them $25 bucks. Per kid. Then the Mouse Police would ask: "And do you want the princess, the superhero or the Jedi?"

Not that long ago, though, the list below represented a kid's costume options. Here's a quick refresher on the original, non-commercialized, low-cost (and last-minute) costume options.

1. Hobo: Sure, no one really understands what a hobo is nowadays, but no one really understood before, either. Start by dampening your child's face and covering it with coffee grounds (certified organic and sustainable only, please). To modernize your hobo, equip your child with a Square card reader. That way, your down-on-his/her luck trickster can accept payments that can go straight to their college fund or your gambling habit.

2. Ghost: A classic, for sure. What were you going to do with those 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets anyway -- give them to someone in need?

3. Witch: Just ditch the broom for a Swiffer, and you've breathed new life into an old hag.

4. Devil: While God may not be welcome in your child's classroom, your lil' Beelzebuddy is.

5. Scarecrow: Stuffing hay down your kid's pants and shirt is a great way to check for allergies. PS If other kids ask why your child is carrying an EpiPen, just tell them it's a special Halloween glow stick -- and to mind their damn business.

6. Clown: Bring this classic forward in one of two ways: 1. If you live in an uppity area, dress them as a clown of the Cirque du Soleil variety. 2. Rough neighborhood? Break out the look from "It."

7. Zombie: With freshly-boiled non-GMO whole wheat pasta for brains, what could stop your little undead monster?

8. Vampire: Your pint-sized bloodsucker will have his pick of the ladies once he's all vamped out. "Twilight" proved once and for all that women dig this crap -- even if I and every other guy are left wondering why.

9. Pirate: Before you send your trick-or-treater out the door, practice saying, "Arrr, I'm from Somalia." Or, take a different piracy angle.

10. Old Lady/Old Man: Not only did you help an elderly relative clean out their closet, you also got a free costume.

Did I miss one of your go-to's? Leave it in the comments.